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Loralee's Looney Tunes Reviews

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Loralee Choate

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Heaving Bosoms, Corset Flinging, and Fabio???

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I'm glad I am not the only one with an appreciation for fine literature.

This link (Sent by Little Amy) made me HOWL and laugh about my darkest secret.

Yes, it is true.


I think I felt a huge ripple from "The Force". Like millions of souls crying out in pain...Probably just the English Department at Bemidji State sticking forks in their eyeballs in unison.

I don't blame you.

I KNOW what it looks like.

I'm mortified, really. Jonathan outed me about this to my entire Parent Organization board and I wanted to crawl under the table.

They are a lovely escape. They also make for wonderful White Elephant gifts. I gave one to Brian Joy at my Christmas party entitled, "His Pregnancy Ultimatum". HA HA HA HA HA.

I am a terrible girlie-girl sometimes. Hey, I also love playing in the dirt, military shows and guns, so cut me some slack. I primarily read it for the girl stuff...you know...dresses, chivalry and castle-dwelling fantasy. I also just read them for the articles...

Seriously, though. It's not about the sex. No one believes me, but it's true. I am just not turned on by it. In fact, one of my favorite games in the world was a competition that I had going on with my equally romance-loving friend. We would call each other and try to top the word substitution for "Penis". The most often used (Staff, manhood and rod coupled with descriptions such as throbbing, hardened, quivering, and bulging) got fairly boring after awhile.

"His Purple Helmeted Warrior".

Not kidding. Such a favorite.

Sex in these things is just too unrealistic, even for me, EVEN in a romance. While the virgin having multiple orgasm chapters may be one part I mock, I do like a lot of things about a good romance. One draw is that I am a dramatic person drawn to pure drama (Duh). You can't get more drama than a romance. Pure Heroine.

I also like the predictability of the main characters:

The Hero. ***To qualify. Fabio is icky. So are most book covers. It is a shopping criteria. No picture is best, but it must, at least, be put in a bookplate inside the cover. Minimizes purchase trauma somewhat.***
He's rich and handsome...Usually in a flawed way...The writer usually opts for a scar of one kind or another. If he has scars on his back from being flayed, it is good. If the flaying is a miscarriage of justice, it is better. If it is a miscarriage of justice suffered to protect the woman he loves, or his beloved pet spaniel, it is pure romance triumph.
He is gruff and cynical to the world. Usually it is due to aforementioned injustices that have turned him from a kind, caring soul to someone hardened by the world. (Sorry...couldn't help it!)

He is always an excellent horseman with a fiery-tempered stallion and has closets full of gleaming riding boots. Adored by his housekeeper that has known him since he was a child.
Usually named, Jason, Alexander, Ian, or Jamie.
Enter The Heroine:
Unaware of her devastating beauty, young, virginal and "feisty". She can be poor or rich, but it is usually poor...unless she is the daughter of parents who are marrying her off against her will to aforementioned "Bastard" who masquerades as the love of her life. She breaks down the iron chains around the Hero's heart and they both fall madly in love.
Often has masculine names or nicknames like Douglas, Alex, or Tyler. Alexandra, Victoria, Meagan, and Melissa are favorties.

Oh, and she is usually blessed with creamy bosoms, glorious hair, and impossibly long eyelashes that curl against her cheeks as she sleeps. Just in case you didn't know.

There is always an antagonist, always a tragedy, usually a breakup and ALWAYS a happy ending.

Oh, hell I am a sad sack.


Maybe reading a romance would cheer me up...


  • At 4:10 AM , Blogger Amy said...

    I've actually heard that Fabio is a very nice person, depsite the hair. Do you STILL read romance novels???

  • At 6:17 AM , Anonymous Cassandra said...

    Wonderful, Wonderful! So glad you came out of the closet! The only 'romance' novels I've read are by Sara Roberts (I think that is her name). Anyway, the 3-book-series is about an island off the shores of Massachusettes where 3 women -- whose souls were there before long ago -- meet and use their power to fight dark forces. I enjoyed it because of the Wiccan theme.
    Thankfully, Fabio did not pose for any of the covers *blech*

  • At 7:14 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I could never get past the cold, hard reality that nobody brushed their teeth or bathed back then. Ew.


  • At 7:48 AM , Blogger mighty mouse said...

    lol...Oh, Loralee. I used to like the name Jason. Was thinking about naming a future kid Jason. And now? The only thing I'm going to be able to associate with that name is 'the purple helmeted warrior'. That name is so out.

  • At 8:21 AM , Blogger Rowan said...

    you forgot to mention that the heroine is usually pitifully helpless and the man saves her from herself.


    anyway, I wish I could be as satisfied with the romance novel as you are....it leaves a sour taste in my mouth because of my own jaded and cynical heart.

  • At 8:50 AM , Blogger Jes said...

    You're allowed to read romance novels without me mocking you if I can read young-adult fiction fantasy novels without you mocking me.

    BSU holds no grudge.

    Hey--at least you're reading. That's more than most of the world can say.

  • At 10:00 AM , Blogger Mark said...

    This member of the English Department reads romance novels only for the sex. The creamy bosoms. I love creamy bosoms.

    One of our writers this year referred to his penis by describing "epidermal turtleneck armor." Cuddlesome description, eh?

    Actually, I did a study of romance novels fifteen years ago or so. The research ended up stating that women read these books in order to get what they don't get or can't trust in their own lives. Happy endings, for instance.

    Or, in my case, creamy bosoms.

  • At 10:43 AM , Blogger Amy said...

    Try "albino raisin in a firehat."

  • At 12:20 PM , Anonymous Charli said...

    I just posted a while ago about my addiction to what I call "BOOK PORN" because I love it. I enjoy the sex, thanks. Hey, a busy, tired Mom has got to get it somewhere! I think for me it really is like an escape. You can't live someone else's "life" but you can come close by losing yourself in these books. I may think I am a feminine feminist, but really I just want him to "look upon her wantonly, lust filling his eyes as his large leather riding boots announce his progress across the room..." Hee, maybe I should write one- better yet we could co-write one!

  • At 12:21 PM , Blogger Froyd said...


  • At 1:04 PM , Blogger Alex said...

    I have the sneaking suspicion that LL only posted this because she knows what an incorrigible book snob I am, and that any mention of Harlequin Romance Novels has the same effect on me as anger had on Bruce Banner.

    I'm starting to turn green, here.

    Fly you fools! Fly!

  • At 2:54 PM , Blogger erin said...

    you are not alone, loralee. i read 'em too, and wrote a series of pieces about it for a class, actually - and read them out loud - so i am out of the closet too! anyway, in them i equated romance novels to sherbet - light, refreshing and different. you can't read creme brulee all the time (well, you could try, and spend the rest of your life toting your bloated brain around, and end up hating creme brulee anyway). romance novels are not about representing real life, or real love, and the only people who are silly are the ones that think women who read romance novels can't tell the difference between fantasy and real life... anyway, i could go on and on ( can you tell i've put some thought into this recently?), but i've basically come to the same conclusion as mark - it's escapism, pure and simple. and who can blame us?

  • At 8:17 PM , Blogger Zac said...

    (vomiting noises) yup that's all I have about that. Lo honestly why? oh well I still love you anyway.

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