Tuesday, May 23, 2006
I'm glad I am not the only one with an appreciation for fine literature.
This link (Sent by Little Amy) made me HOWL and laugh about my darkest secret.
Yes, it is true.
I READ ROMANCE NOVELS, AND I ENJOY THEM!
I think I felt a huge ripple from "The Force". Like millions of souls crying out in pain...Probably just the English Department at Bemidji State sticking forks in their eyeballs in unison.
I don't blame you.
I KNOW what it looks like.
I'm mortified, really. Jonathan outed me about this to my entire Parent Organization board and I wanted to crawl under the table.
They are a lovely escape. They also make for wonderful White Elephant gifts. I gave one to Brian Joy at my Christmas party entitled, "His Pregnancy Ultimatum". HA HA HA HA HA.
I am a terrible girlie-girl sometimes. Hey, I also love playing in the dirt, military shows and guns, so cut me some slack. I primarily read it for the girl stuff...you know...dresses, chivalry and castle-dwelling fantasy. I also just read them for the articles...
Seriously, though. It's not about the sex. No one believes me, but it's true. I am just not turned on by it. In fact, one of my favorite games in the world was a competition that I had going on with my equally romance-loving friend. We would call each other and try to top the word substitution for "Penis". The most often used (Staff, manhood and rod coupled with descriptions such as throbbing, hardened, quivering, and bulging) got fairly boring after awhile.
One day, I found it. THE ULTIMATE WINNER THAT WOULD NEVER, EVER BE TOPPED AND I FOUND IT! (You ready?!)
"His Purple Helmeted Warrior".
Not kidding. Such a favorite.
Sex in these things is just too unrealistic, even for me, EVEN in a romance. While the virgin having multiple orgasm chapters may be one part I mock, I do like a lot of things about a good romance. One draw is that I am a dramatic person drawn to pure drama (Duh). You can't get more drama than a romance. Pure Heroine.
I also like the predictability of the main characters:
The Hero. ***To qualify. Fabio is icky. So are most book covers. It is a shopping criteria. No picture is best, but it must, at least, be put in a bookplate inside the cover. Minimizes purchase trauma somewhat.***
He's rich and handsome...Usually in a flawed way...The writer usually opts for a scar of one kind or another. If he has scars on his back from being flayed, it is good. If the flaying is a miscarriage of justice, it is better. If it is a miscarriage of justice suffered to protect the woman he loves, or his beloved pet spaniel, it is pure romance triumph.
He is gruff and cynical to the world. Usually it is due to aforementioned injustices that have turned him from a kind, caring soul to someone hardened by the world. (Sorry...couldn't help it!)
He is always an excellent horseman with a fiery-tempered stallion and has closets full of gleaming riding boots. Adored by his housekeeper that has known him since he was a child.
Usually named, Jason, Alexander, Ian, or Jamie.
Enter The Heroine:
Unaware of her devastating beauty, young, virginal and "feisty". She can be poor or rich, but it is usually poor...unless she is the daughter of parents who are marrying her off against her will to aforementioned "Bastard" who masquerades as the love of her life. She breaks down the iron chains around the Hero's heart and they both fall madly in love.
Often has masculine names or nicknames like Douglas, Alex, or Tyler. Alexandra, Victoria, Meagan, and Melissa are favorties.
Oh, and she is usually blessed with creamy bosoms, glorious hair, and impossibly long eyelashes that curl against her cheeks as she sleeps. Just in case you didn't know.
There is always an antagonist, always a tragedy, usually a breakup and ALWAYS a happy ending.
Oh, hell I am a sad sack.
NO WONDER I AM IN THERAPY.
Maybe reading a romance would cheer me up...