Friday, June 30, 2006
Ever had one of those moments where you think, "UH...Did I just say that last part, OUTLOUD?"
A certain friend (Who shall remain nameless as I have embarrassed him mercilessly on this blog) was standing by a sunny window before a class we had together at USU.
Normally, by incognito friend is clean-shaven, but on this particular day he had quite a bit of scruff going on.
"Wow, nameless friend! Your beard is red!!! I wonder if..."
Uh, YAH. I'm cool. NOT.
Sometimes when people hear this account they have to think about the implication a bit, but it isn't too hard if you put your mind in my filthy little gutter.
Fourtunatly, my friend thought it was hysterical. I was HORRIBLY embarrassed.
( In case you're wondering...Yes. Yes, it is.)
Thursday, June 29, 2006
I hate scrapbooking.
Let me restate that for those who do not believe me.
I. Hate. Scrapbooking.
I'm from Utah and I hate to scrapbook.
Beyond the fact that I have the artistic skills of Gangus Khan, I think that scrapbooking (For me) is too overwhelming and you are NEVER DONE.
I LOVE scrapbook stores.
I love the colors, themes, brads, metal doohickies that have words stamped on them, paper flowers and cuts, ribbon, stickers, cardstock, punches, wire, little glue dots and embossing stamps...everything.
I could hang out in them for hours.
What is a girl who loves materials but hates "Scrappin" to do?
Small, easy, cheaper and FABULOUS to have on hand.
A group of us (Betty, Michelle, Karen, Shirly, Melly, Melia, Mary Ellen, Sherry, Karen and ME) are meeting on the third tuesday of every month to make cards. We pick a theme (This month was "Blank Note Card") and make 10 of the same card, then exchange them when we're done.
We snack, talk, share ideas and more importantly...GET IT ACCOMPLISHED.
I think mine turned out ok. (It's the one with the squares on the bottom right hand)It is great because now I'll always have a card on hand (I always seem to need them) and I actually enjoy doing a project that doesn't stress me out.
Don't worry though...no plans on becoming Bree Van DeCamp anytime soon...
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
I worked my rear end off on this post for y'all.
I've wanted to do this movie for quite some time, ever since I saw Matt Harding's, "Dancing", video.
Watch it HERE
(You'll still "get" my film if you don't watch it, but it's better appreciated if you see the film I spoofed. Plus, it is freaking cool)
Speaking of my film, HERE IT IS.
Keep in mind: I CANNOT DANCE. (My niece's all live in horrible fear that I will make good on my promise to chaperone their proms) I ALSO STICK MY TONGUE OUT A LOT.
Sad, I know.
I guess I'll just have to take comfort that I don't dance like a certain guy I used to date. You know you should probably avoid a relationship if their signature go-to move is, "The Porn Slap".
I would like to spotlight and thank my stellar FILM CREW (Otherwise known as Zac and Karen). They were GEMS. Especially, Zac...He had to haul all the gear.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
As some of you are aware, I suck at many, MANY household tasks.
Laundry would be one of them.
Even though I LOVE laundry soap (And sniffing it) I have ruined several items of clothing.
THIS is a pretty good example.
Some of you may also remember my joy at buying a new shower curtain this winter. I was so excited to be able to bleach my shower curtains!
I was so excited to bleach them TODAY!!!
I was so NOT excited to see this tag after I pulled it out of the dryer.
Jonathan was even LESS excited than THAT when he saw it hanging up.
Monday, June 26, 2006
It is lovely Karen's birthday today.
She is one of my closest friends and I just love her.
We had a fun-filled evening of festivities in her honor. One of the highlights was at dinner. NOTE: I have informed my friends several times over the years that if they have ever just had it with me and my crap and would like to have ME dump THEM, take me to a restaurant on my birthday, have the waiters sing and clap, and stick a stupid ass sombrero on my head.
I also love that I was the only one who had no idea the singing and forced ethnic assecorizing would occur and I GET THE FINGER.
There was another huge highlight (I love doing stuff like this along with my sneaky partner in crime, Michelle *She is the one NOT wearing the sombrero in the photo*)
ME: Karen, if you had a million dollars, what would you do with it first?
KAREN: I would have an assortment of awesome and eclectic beverages in my fridge at all times.
That is a freaking fabulous and rare answer, my friends. It is also a comment that has been much discussed and related over the years. She even made a "DREAM BEVERAGE" list and blogged about it (READ HERE).
A few months ago, Chelle and I cooked up a little plan. We would make that list a reality!!!
SHE HAD NO IDEA.
We even ordered one of her favorite sodas that is made and distributed in North Carolina (CHEERWINE) and had it shipped to me last week.
The best part is that she had no idea what was up. We even got other Birthday gifts for her so she wouldn't be suspicious. I bought half of her ticket to Erasure and Chelle took a present to her today at work.
THEN we went to her apartment, found the key and stocked her fridge FULL.
We waited to see if she would open it after work (Before we went to dinner).
Finally, we told her there was something hidden in her apartment and she would have to find it after dinner. She went to put her leftovers in the fridge before she started "Looking" and FOUND THIS!!!!
- Orange Nestle Pure Life Splash
- Apple Flav H2O
- Grape Fruit2O
- Ruby Red Grapefruit and Tangerine Juice
- Vanilla Milk *Made by Gossners in Logan. This is the same milk used in the infamous "Do you drink 1% because you think you're fat" line in Napoleon Dynamite*
- Lemon Dasani
- Coke Classic
- Dr. Pepper
- Welch's Grape Juice
- Schwepp's Ginger Ale
- Cherry 7up
- IBC Rootbeer
- Country Time Lemonade
After she recovered from the shock, we went to Chelle's and sang Kareoke...While playing in Michelle's Halloween Costume Storage Bin.
Be glad you are spared the experience. We were a bit weird.
When are we not?
Happy Birthday, my friend. You make June 26th tolerable.
I spent some time at BORDERS with Zac yesterday, and I took a giant leap back to my childhood.
I decided to buy my boys one of my favorite books in the world.
THE BOXCAR CHILDREN.
I love everything about this book: Four sibling orphans run away from their (Supposedly) mean grandfather and make a little home in an abandoned boxcar in the woods.
They find dishes at the dump, they build a dam in the stream to swim in, Henry (All of 14) gets a job as a handy man to earn money to keep the little family in Bread, milk cheese and the occasional piece of stew meat. They put in shelves, do laundry, gather wild blueberries and accumulate enough rocks to make a fireplace.
I love it.
It made me want to live in a boxcar or a cool little house of my own SO MUCH. I had a lot working against me, though. Since this book was written in the late 30's and it was the 80's when I was growing up and as far as I could tell, there were no abandoned box cars (Let alone WOODS) in the desert of Utah. I had to settle for ripping out a "Cave" in the massive honeysuckle vines that grew along a fence at my Elementary school. I kept my little, secret house for quite some time. I had a journal, books, a flashlight, snacks and my Chinese jump rope collection stored there in a cash box labeled, TOP SECRET. I made a mat by gathering up long clumps of crabgrass, tying each end together and then tying one section to the other.
It was a SWEET hiding place. Since I really had no friends in elementary school, it was a great place to hide at recess so I wouldn't be picked on.
Unfortunately for me, the grounds keeper didn't think that me wanting to live in a boxcar justified the destruction and subsequent death of a very old group of honeysuckle vines. The principal wasn't too thrilled when she found out about it, either.
So much for that.
I still carry the need to make little homes out of nothing. (No, living in a house built by dairy hands that is the size of a Wheaties Box doesn't count. Though I must say, it is a helluvalot cuter now than when we moved in 5 years ago.)
So far, Christopher and James LOVE this book. I knew that they would.
Is it weird that overhearing my children whispering excitedly about running away to the woods to live in an abandoned metal box makes me feel like the most victorious mother alive???
Sunday, June 25, 2006
A lot can change in a year.
I know this, I accept this.
It is safe to say that my life is much different this year versus last. Don't worry, I'm not going to subject you all to things that are done, put away and forgotten.
This is a post about how MUCH CHANGES IN ONE WEEK!
Last night, two dear,sweet, wonderful people that I love DEARLY, broke off a 2 year relationship. I ache for them both.
Mary Ellen's divorce came through on Friday (HALLELUJIA!!!!!!). She is a free woman. I ran around with her to pick up the papers and get her named changed on her paperwork. She deserves every good thing in life.
I am not working anymore. My husband asked me to quit my job. He only did so because he knew it was what I needed. A way out, and he gave it to me. Long story, but I kept waffling, not wanting to let people down, wanting to be stronger, not realizing that I can't juggle my boys, life, injury and babysitting. I am also a wuss at this job and angry people that I don't know were beginning to tear me to shreds inside. So, Jon agreed to be the bad guy instead of my wuss-self. He's lovely.
Here is a hint: If you are enjoying relative peace and quiet while your boys are home and keep hearing the rustle of garbage bags, you just might want to check it out. Chances are, they have mutated into the superhero "Plastic Man". Just an FYI...James is apparently one step closer to moving to SoHo with Antoine and fulfilling his dream career of being a Gimp Bouncer...
The blog world also changed a lot.
So far, two of the blogs I read have been DELETED. Gone, POOF!
Davie and Betty are nowhere. Davie had a huge blog explosion with family and deleted, but I have no idea where Betty is or why she went. I am also having difficulty finding Little Red Boat. It keeps telling me the URL doesn't exist. I have a feeling this is a technical problem, though. I doubt a well-read blog of five years would just vanish. Who knows, though?
Two of my reads also went on Hiatus, many of my reads don't update a lot lately (Yes...it is the pot calling the kettle, "BLACK").
I blame the summer. There is so much to do! See! Plan! Party! Vacation! For myself, the quiet, "ME" time that I usually have is gone because my boys are here all the time. I am sure that once fall and winter set in, people will return to their blogs with vengeance.
In the summer there just isn't as much desire or time to write and read. I have to say, though, that subscribing to BLOGLINES (Thanks to Betty, wherever you are!!!!!) has saved me as far as checking my blogs. It is a lot like an email account. You list your blogs and it tells you whenever the blog is updated in any way. I HEART IT!!!!!
Trying to use a computer with this pesky shoulder is also a change. While I am in a situation that I can type and not put stress on my shoulder blade, it is still annoying to "Get in the position" to do so.
I'll cope and deal, though. That is what you do with change, right??
It is good to know that SOME things stay the same:
I have had a love affair occurring for several years. I am worried about the status of it because I have recently discovered something NEW! CHEAP! LOVELY!
I am, of course, talking about my lust for TIDE WITH BLEACH.
Yes, it's true.
I'm an addict.
I never thought that I could love a detergent more. I have to admit, though...GAIN WITH BLEACH is MIGHTY attractive.
GAIN smells SOOOO lovely. I love the way it stays on your clothes, too. I've been smelling my shirt all day. People think I'm weird.
I am really considering switching from TIDE for good. Gain has a lot going for it. It cleans really well, has a great smell and it is cheaper and tingles my nose in the same lovely way as Tide with Bleach.
What's that? Tingles my nose? What the hell am I talking about, you ask????
Oh, dear. Another Loralee weirdism being splayed across the internet.
Over the years, I have developed a "BIT" of a "PROBLEM". I even thought about starting a support group because for awhile there, my problem was kinda serious.
I heart sniffing Tide.
Yup. SNIFFING. Not huffing, sniffing. Maybe it's the same thing, though.
One of the small joys of life was shaking an almost empty Tide with Bleach box and then lifting the lid to take a great, big, SNIFF.
Heavenly. (Don't ask why, I have no idea.)
Actually, I have several fond NOSE aromas: Gasoline, fresh tar, cigarette smoke (I don't like smoking but I am quite fond of second hand smoke. I actually bought a pack once during a rebellious moment and just let them burn in my incense burner so I could enjoy the smell. Yes, I KNOW), rubber cement, and I practically snort the eucalyptus oil they have at the gym in the steam room.
Whassup with that??? It isn't like I was born with this trait. (Although, I actually DID snort ground up smarties in the 6th grade on a dare. I was so naive I had no idea what we were supposed to be imitating. In case you are wondering, NO I HAVE NOT TRIED THAT.)
Where was I?
Oh, yes...What the hell is wrong with me?
I should be able to comfort myself that some people crave eating dirt and crayons, but somehow that doesn't make me feel any better.
I suppose I will get cancer of the nostrils some day and everyone can have a great big, "I told you so!" moment.
Excuse me, but I feel the sudden urge to do laundry...
Friday, June 23, 2006
Hello from the land of Shitty Shoulder Situation.
For awhile, my sister, Linny, feared that I would have to purchase one of those computers operated by a blow tube, but my situation is not that dire.
My husband, Jonathan, is getting a cordless keyboard, mouse and chair situation so that I can use the computer without harming my shoulder. I will be able to type more about it later (It isn't all set up yet, but as I have been GOOD AS GOLD about NO COMPUTER (Which sucketh, let me tell you), he's letting me give you an update.
I have quite a bit of the feeling back in my hand, but there is still a lot of pain...Christopher was also in the ER with major ear infection, WHICH.SUCKED.
I'd like to thank, KAREN, for babysitting and for you all for thinking of me in my absence.
It will be nice to use this thing without my shoulder feeling like I want to amputate it.
I'll talk to you more when I'm set up.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Here is my little contribution to Looney Tunes this week... I call it "Musings on a Compass or What in the Hell Does Loralee See in Her?"
It was a cold November evening in 2001. I was looking particularly library chick as I entered an apartment full of individuals who were to become my fellow Silverfish (that is the name of the book group that was being formed that evening--it's now defunct). We had chosen to read Harry Potter and the Socerer's Stone as our introductory novel and had come together to discuss all things magical while working out the details of this new bookgroup. I knew the majority of the people there but one girl I did not. Loralee had come with Brian Joy and while I didn't know it then, my life was about to change. As the evening ended we were all just mindlessly chatting when the subject turned to our favorite books. I loudly declared that I LOVE the 'His Dark Materials' series by Philip Pullman and much to my amazement Loralee zeroed in on me declaring her undying love for them too. The rest is, as they say, history. It wasn't too long before I had Loralee & Brian sitting on the floor of my tiny studio apartment watching The Castle, Best In Show & To Wang Foo, Thanks For Everything, Newmar and begging me to repeatedly read their cards. She brings out my fun side and her presence allows me to do all the crazy things I've always wanted to do and didn't dare do on my own. Shall I tell you a few of the things we've done...
- We got drunk off our asses together... Loralee ended up with a penis on her face (it was just a drawing people!) and I was unconscious at 11 p.m.!
- We prepared the most amazing meal of chicken lyonnaise, in the heat of August, in an unairconditioned kitchen and ate it all!
- We went to Erasure & Air Supply together within a month of each other.
- I smoked my first pack of cigarettes with Lo and was so sick that I can't even be near a cigarette now.
- I tried sushi--amazing since I don't like fish, cucumber, avocado or seaweed!
- We got inked together.
- We did yoga, every night, for an entire summer together.
- She was present when I wrote my haiku series "Prom: Is a Four Letter Word:
- She got her amazing sister and nooncy to gift me with their old dryer when they updated!
- She went with me to the emergency room when I got vertigo and couldn't stop vomiting.
- and many, many, many ordinary adventures full of Loralee magic (and diet coke)
Wow, this is pretty sentimental... sorry about that!
p.s. She's gonna kill me over that picture of her. heeeeeeeeeeeeee
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Well folks, Loralee has done it again... she has injured herself playing the "air ukulele" while listening to Barry Manilow.
Okay, not really. She did some serious damage to her right shoulder though. How did she do this you may ask... by spending too damn much time on the computer!!!! I don't really know how that works. I spend all day on the computer too. Perhaps it's the intensity with which she throws herself into the activity. Lo has a tendancy to obsess on things she enjoys--shocking I know. As a result of this injury, her husband has placed a "no internet activities" injuction upon her. So what does this mean for her blog? It means that I, Karen the supremely boring, will be babysitting this bit of cyberspace for the next week or two (or until her husband lifts her computer ban). You can look forward to stories shared by her friends and family about the goofiness that is Loralee!
And what, praytell, will you write about Karen? Thanks for asking! I will probably share with you about how I met this facinating speciman and how she tortures me by replaying the "deeeee-licious" incedent over and over again to various people--much to my horror.
P.S. The computer ban that Jon is strictly enforcing includes ALL computer activites. There will be no e-mail or comment whoring allowed. However, I'll call and tell her what you are all up to, so please feel free to share!
Posted, not by Loralee, by Karen
Thursday, June 15, 2006
One of the blogs I read states proudly that he will never bother anyone with the monotonous details of his life and daily routine.
It is a perverse pleasure to make everyone else suffer the hohum's right along with me.
My niece, Ruth is dog sitting the most adoreable Pitt-Bull puppy for a month. I love pitt bulls. I understand they are very powerful dogs and I don't think I would have them around small ones (Simply because even the SWEETEST don't know their own strength and can get carried away. Spoken from experience about a much loved Pitt Bull from my past).He is probably one of the cutest pitt bulls I've ever seen. SUCH A SWEETIE.
I also got to see my cousins from Arizona today. I haven't seen them in over a decade, at least. I had a great conversation about education and charter schools and how the PO at my kids school was constructed and run(She's a principal at a major charter school in Mesa) and it was just really good to have that kind of conversation. Three years of PO president just about killed my love of anything school related. It was nice to have my ears perk up about it again.
I also had a great talk with the lovely, Chelle *Of Devil Horn Tiara fame*. It's always nice to take a break to have a good phone conversation.
I also ran a million errands to day.
Jonathan FINALLY got paid for a big job he did 3 months ago, so we had fun delivering the long-waited for money to the rest of his crew.
Then... Grocery shopping.
I hate shopping. Really, I do. This explains a lot about me, like why my style of dress should be labeled, "Homeless Chic" and why I don't wear makeup and usually just let my hair airdry and look like I have perpetual bed head. Ok, maybe that last part is just that I am ass-lazy, but it is easier to blame it on my hatred of shopping. Makes me seem less like a careless slob and more like vanity-free and non-materialistic.
Right. I don't buy it, either.
My hubby and I tend to buy LOADS all at once, to stretch out the trips as much as possible. We usually shop huge twice a month, with little trips in between. We also usually buy at least one extra of everything so we have it on hand.
I have come to rely on a well-stocked pantry. While I HATE HATE HATE the process of it, I do enjoy a full fridge, pantry and being stocked up on things like shampoo, new toothbrushes and fabric softener.
It makes a girl feel good.
Shopping isn't all bad, either. While I was running about, I found the most adorable present for my little, ZAC. You guys remember him...Young, awesome, cuddly, I want to take him home in my purse? NO??? Umm...the dude who was photographed grabbing my chest as I mutually accosted him???? (Kidding, but it is still a hilarious picture).
I saw this little guy and I had to buy it for him:
I have dubbed Zac, "Guido" from "Cars". I'm not sure why...he isn't blue, he isn't Italian, as far as I know his dream is not to do a pitstop on a famous race car, either. Hmmm...I think it is just because he is so gosh darn CUTE.At least this way, ONE of them fits in my purse to take home with me.
I also have a scorching case of herpes...
Just checking to see if you are still awake.
Betty wrote on her blog about an off-putting sandwich woman with a gross eye.
While I have no interesting (Or at least TRUE) stories about food servers with hemorrhaged eyeballs, she did mention CHEESE a lot in her story.
Which made a light go on, as one of the funniest stories I ever heard involved cheese.
As many know, I roomed with "The Amy's" in college. Little Amy (Seen here on my blog a lot) and Amy E. This story involves Amy E.
Amy had a sister named, Emily. She was adorable. She also had a fairly pronounced lisp. Amy told me that the previous summer, Emily worked for a deli. She thought this story was hilarious as well, so don't rag that I'm anti-lisp (Although, I wanted to be a speech therapist, so in a way, I guess I was! ;D)
Characters: Emily (Sandwich girl. Does NOT have grody, bloody, off-putting eyeball)
Customer (Polite, middle age man in business suit)
Emily is trying to ask the customer if he would like CHEESE on his sandwich.
(Bear with me. It's easier to write a lisp using IPA, which my computer won't do and most couldn't read anyway)
"So, a Turkey on white?"
"Would you like Chees-th with that?"
"Would you like Chees-th on your sandwich?"
"Cheeth? Would you like CHEEES-TH on your sandwich?"
"Uh...I am really sorry, but WHAT?"
Exasperated, Emily picks of a loaf of cheese and begins what can best be described as a ritualistic, cheese-mating dance while saying, "CHEEES-TH! CHEES-TH! CHEES-TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Emily's sister, Amy, was laughing her ass off at this point.
Emily, who was not yet in the "Hindsight makes things hilarious" stage looked at Amy, gave her a withering glare and said, indignantly:
"Shut up, S-th-mart ASS-TH"
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
We had a KILLER thunder storm today. I LOVED IT!!!!
James, was fairly unhappy and decided to open the door to stand on the porch and tell the weather exactly what he thought of it:
Rain, Rain, I want to play.
Play your EVIL croquet game
Some other day.
This is my friend, Scott. There are many intriguing things to know about Scott. For one, he has dogs that weirdly crave marijuana, but that is a story for another day. What I found out at Zac's birthday party is MUCH more cool. Apparently, Scott's lovely blue peepers were "THE EYES" from Bonnie Tyler's classic, "Total eclipse of the heart" video.
I know that this will stagger all of you, but I ADORE this song.
You know that scene where Bridget Jones gets shit-faced listening to cheesy and sad FM????
Take that scene, play "Turn Around Bright Eyes" and substitute the getting shitfaced part with the scene where she eats the ENTIRE contents of her refrigerator, and you have sweet, little, adorable, old, ME!
After, like, every break up I have EVER had.
AND in ANTICIPATION of every break up I have EVER had.
Actually, sometimes I would just do this in PREPARATION for the ANTICIPATION of every breakup I have EVER had.
Strangely, though, I had never seen the video until now. What a special little treat!
I KNOW. I SUBJECT YOU TO THIS ALL THE TIME. Watch it anyway.
What can I say? I'm a wench.
There have been a few discoveries for me with this tasty tidbit of information.
For one, Scott says that Bonnie T was just about the biggest *-U-N-T, ever to walk.
That doesn't surprise me.
I was a bit surprised by how she looked. Bonnie T is a classic case of vocal nodules. That scratchy, breathy, "I smoke three packs a day and like to go to All Star Wrestling" sound is actually VOCAL DAMAGE, folks. I guess because of the sound I always pictured her with a ciggerette and beer and maybe a "Members Only" satin jacket with leather stirrup pants. I also always pictured her in a trailer park for some reason. That she resembled Princess Di crossed with the entire wardrobe and makeup room of "Dynasty", was a bit shocking.
The only confusion that I have now is WHICH eyes are Scott? Is he the first "Bright Eyes" that ends up resembling a Star Wars Desert Jawa, due to video effects of the early 80's?
OR, is he the fencing guy? The kid at the end (And can we say, Mary Kay Leternoux there, folks?)?? Who knows...Maybe he is one of the guys doing aerials in their underwear or in football gear. I'll have to ask him to specify. Now that I've watched this thing a hundred times, I have to admit to feeling a bit peckish.
...Here, Fridgy, Fridgy!
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Karen has been doing "Self Portrait Challenge" for awhile and since I am a glutton for punishment I am going to join up.
Every month there is a new theme, and every week there is a new challenge.
Perhaps the month with the theme, "Pop Art", is not the best one to start with.
Sorry, it's the best one I could come up with!
I have some rather bold ideas for next week. We'll see if I'm brave enough and if I can get it to not suck...
Monday, June 12, 2006
Ever had one of those weeks?
This was one.
Long hours at work
Zac's birthday party (He's a whopping 24 now. I am also convinced that he is "Guido" in the movie, "Cars". Don't ask me why.)
Helping with a garage sale to help mothers without borders
Being bummed about Matthew's birthday
Blogger sucking for the one day I tried to post
A marathon of "The Closer" on TNT
All of the above conspired against blogging, so I didn't...forgive me!
Also...I am spending my freetime today catching up on reading n'stuff, but I don't know how much I'll be able to comment only because I am so behind on everything. Serves me right for not turning my computer on for 5 days.
Since I don't want to just whine about my piles of reading and stuff:
Here is just a tiny slice of HINDSIGHT hilarity I deal with: I am usually nice and very patient with my clients. Especially if they are old. HOWEVER. There are times when after TWENTY plus phone calls from one old woman who just.doesn't.comprehend, you just run out of patience.
HETTIE:Very ancient and confused old lady with a very think southern accent.
ME: "Hello, blahblahblah.com. How may I help you?"
HETTIE:"Is this Jackie Turhune from somewherethefreakin Alabama?"
"No, ma'am. This is "blahblahblah.com".
"I need to speak to Jackie"
"There is no one named Jackie here, Ma'am"
"Oh. This isn't 1-xxx-xxx-2255?"
"No, Ma'am. This is 1-xxx-xxx-2555"
"Hello, blahblahblah.com. How may I help you?"
"Is this Jackie?"
"No Ma'am. This is blahblahlbah.com."
"I need to speak to Jackie Turhune from somewherethefreakin Alabama"
"Ma'am. You are dialing the wrong number. You need to dial 2255 and you are misdialing 2555."
"Jackie isn't there?"
"No, Ma'am. This is an online gardening center. I am an order desk"
"Do you know Jackie?"
"No, Ma'am. I don't. I am in Utah and Jackie is in somwherethefreakin Alabama."
"You know where Jackie lives?"
"Yes, Ma'am. You've told me the other 10 times you've called. You are dialing one digit wrong."
(Repeat this type of call about 5 more times, each time trying to explain why she is getting an order desk instead of Jackie)
"Hello, blahblahblah.com. How may I help you?"
"Is this Jackie?"
"NO, MA'AM. YOU ARE STILL DIALING THE WRONG NUMBER."
"Well, I only have one hand. They cut the other one off"
(Long pause. The drama queen in me wanted to know why the freak they would cut off a hand, but there was no way I could spend more time with this woman on the phone)
"I am very sorry about that ma'am. Maybe you will have to wait to talk to Jackie until someone can dial the phone for you."
"Are you sure Jackie Turhune isn't there?"
"Could you dial that number for me?"
"Ma'am. I can't"
"Why on earth not?"
"Well, I am not an operator for the telephone company. I am also in Utah and you are in Buttfreakingbayou, Lousiana. I would have to drive an hour to get to the Salt Lake City airport, fly to Lousiana, land in Shreveport, take two cabs a bus and most likely a riverboat to find your house, then dial the phone."
(Repeat a variation of THIS call about 5 m0re times. I am not exaggerating. AT ALL. Ask Mary Ellen. She was there.)
ME: HELLO! This is absolutely NOT JACKIE TURHUNE from somewherethefreakin Alabama. This is LORALEE from blahblahblah.com.
"Is this Jackie?"
"NO! This is NOT JACKIE!"
"Could you give Jackie a message for me?"
"Ma'am I am not answering the phone for you anymore. Goodbye".
"Is this Jackie?"
"Why, YES! It IS! This is Jackie Turhune from Somewherethefreakin Alabama. If this is Hettie from Buttfreakinbayou, Lousiana, please rip up my number and never, EVER call me again. Thank you."
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
My awesome, wonderful and lovely friend, Michelle (As seen with our traveling gnome, Wendell)had her birthday on 6-6-06.
She usually doesn't like a fuss, but this year we decided it MUST have a celebration with the obvious theme!
We decided we would take Chelle to Six places over the evening, with clues to figure out each one and a gift at every stop. We started off at my house for dinner.
She thought our usual group was just going to hang out...HA HA!
We surprised her by inviting her awesome hubby, JOHN, to the bash. She thought he was staying with the kiddies.
We also invited Chelle's very dear friend, and former college roommate, CRICKET and her husband, Matt up for the event.
I love Cricket.
Besides the fact that she is hilarious (Her name is Cricket, sister is Muffy, brother is Stosh and the dog's name was Charles.), she is also just a VERY nice person.
You would not believe the stuff she used to come up with to do...the Cricket stories are legendary. Probably one of my favorites is in college, she and Chelle had an accordion door between their living room and the kitchen. They cut a "Winger" poster and a "Nelson" poster and pasted them on the folds so you had a lovely view of 2 butt-rock bands, depending on where you were standing.
Brian, Karen and I had so much fun planning, shopping and executing this party. Karen found the BESTEST horns, ever (As modeled by Brian Joy in his Disney Goth shirt, and his sis, Sherry...the NICEST devil in existence. She would probably be concerned that Lucifer gets overheated in hell...:))
We had Tarot card readings (They were a blast)
We also had great food (Including Deviled Eggs...a MUST) and conversation.
Brian Joy finally got his horn grabbed in some fashion by my husband. He can die happy... :D
We are such a fun, happy group.
We took Michelle to the "Fun Park" to play a fierce game of Ski-Ball
Then there was the photo op in front of "The Omen" poster,
Happy, HAPPY birthday, Chelly. You rock my world!!!!!!! :)
You would have been three today.
I can hardly believe it.
So much time that has passed in a blink and stretched for an eternity in the same breath.
There are so many things I think about.
So many questions that will never have an answer.
I can't help but wonder, how big are you?
Is your hair still bright red?
What is your favorite toy?
Do you hate tomatoes like your dad and love peaches like me?
Did you say, "Mama" or "Dada" first?
Is bath time still your favorite time of day?
Do you still love to be kissed on the bridge of your nose?
Are polar fleece blankets still your favorite snuggly things?
Do you remember me, our snuggles, kisses and tickles?
Do you still know that I love you?
I miss you.
Love you & Kiss your sweet toes,
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Is My House Being Torn Down? (A Bedtime Photo Story)
Craft Project #3
My cat, Wilbur is a whore (E-I, E-I, OH!)
Freaky Bird Boobs (And Shoes!)
The more serious notes:
The equvilent of "Drink and Dial"
A post that will most likely have me EATING MY WORDS one day...
- Damn, I have a lot of weeds
- I wish my mom hadn't killed my lawn last year
- Brian Joy would rather shoot himself in the head than own this lawn
- I wonder what Brian would look like with dreadlocks
- Do you think that would get him laid?
- Be a further deterrent?
- Why the hell did all my friends go to pride day with my sister and NOT ME!!!
- I'm so going next year...
- I'll take Karen with me...
- We'll make Brian go in drag.
- Scratch that...He would be a way fugly looking female.
- Sprinklers would be nice
- I think I really like vanilla
- I can't believe my mom came out of my house and I WAVED! Not, "HELLO!" wave, but a "HEY MOM! LOOK AT ME ON THE CAROUSEL!!!" (I am the dork.)
- sidewalk chalk is cool
- I can't believe I called Alex, "Froyd". I don't think either one will be too happy with that.
- Why is James...(Insert various weird and completely random acts/thoughts/deeds/statements here)
- I can't wait for Michelle's Birthday party tonight
- She's going to be WAY happy
- I can't believe I've kept it a secret for so long.
- I need to pee.
Monday, June 05, 2006
...and I think it rocks the house.
Here is one of my very favorites. I'll do a proper introduction first:
"Everyone? May I have your attention? Thank you. I'd like to thank you all for coming out here tonight. As most of you know, my name is Loralee C and I'm the owner of this place. I'd like to introduce you all to an interesting character I've met from California!! Put your hands together for...
I just had to write. I don't meet many other Loralee's. I'm a Loralee in California.
I'm 45. And I was googling my name "loralee".......you think you're a dork??
It's 1:35 am.....and I'm googling my name on the internet......sad, huh?
Anyway, I got to your blog page and, well, you're hilarious.
I have a website: http://www.loraleechristensen.com/. There you will see that I am actually a real Loralee. I'm a singer.
Anyway, I couldn't resist writing to tell you that Loralee in California thinks Loralee in Utah is very entertaining."
Yup. Loralee Christiansen. Wild, isn't it???? We also have some cool things in common. I'll give you a bullet list because I think she is funny, she writes emails and talks a lot like I do, and also made me feel comforted in the knowledge that I am not the only dork that googles my own name at 1:30 in the morning!
- She is a singer, too!
- Mom to Jared (Who also knows that being a bit weird is a good thing!)
- Coparents well with Jared's Dad
- Loves ellipse's (LIKE...ME!)
- She's going back to school
- I want her hair
- Also thinks "DUH" when people think they are witty for singing the "SaraLee" jingle at us.
- Has been called every variation of "Loralee" ever thought of.
- Hates the nickname "Lora" (AMEN! Bryan Woolley is allowed to call me, Laurel)
- She has an aunt named Melanie (like my sister) also because of Gone With The Wind and that aunt lived in Kanab, Utah for two years.
- Her nephew's name is, Logan.
I hope she keeps swinging by. She is fun, plus it is just too cool and unusual to meet someone with my name.
I have been trying to post a picture of Loralee C. all day, but I'm giving up because Blogger is being a whore right now. Just so there is no confusion, it is NOT the exotic, fantasy, "Pretty Woman" whore, either.
Today, Blogger is more like the "Meth dependent ho that results in ten dollar blowjobs and mutated strains of gonorrhea that haven't yet been documented by medical science" kind of whore.
You and I haven't always had the easiest relationship. When we got together, everything was perfect and wonderful. I think that is because it was new, and fresh and convienant.
Things are no longer new and fresh, and the convienance has turned into more of a need than us wanting to be together, don't you think?
You also talk. A lot. I can never get a word in edgewise and it is really beginning to bother me. I don't know what kind of a future our relationship even has if we can't learn to communicate better.
I just feel that you have handled me with complete disregard, leaving me bruised, chipped and broken. I don't feel like I function better for being with you. When I'm not available, you feel my absense and say you're sorry, yet you never FIX anything!
Your friends aren't happy with me either. They are fed up with me and resent my inablity to always be there for you. I'm sorry about that. Maybe if you traded me in for better model, I would be able to make everyone happy.
The last straw was when I overheard you calling me a, "Freaking piece of shit". This morning.
I'm just tired, broken and done.
Your cell phone.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
I think my mind exploded from template changing hell.
That and I have developed, "Blogger Shoulder". (I'm pausing to wait for the mocking to die down). I spent so many straight hours working on my template design and transfer that whenever I sit to type, my entire right shoulder blade goes numb.
I went w/two other couples to see, "The Break Up". It was a lot less funny than I was thinking, but VERY real and very hard to watch. Jon and I liked it more than we thought we would.
Brigitte said the best part of the movie was when I accidently dropped an enitire extra-large popcorn (With extra butter) all over my friend, Bryan.
It was special.
Sorry this is brief, but I can't type anymore as I cannot feel my fingers. I hope this goes away soon...
Friday, June 02, 2006
I love Cache Valley. We have the good fortune to have THREE historic theaters in Logan. Not bad for a community of just over 100,000...Two of the three are right next door to each other, and the third is around the block.
The Lyric (Red building) is just a GEM. It is a summer stock theater and I have performed there many times.
It is actually where I first met my friend, Karen Bowling, although we didn't realize this until about two years after the fact. I was performing there in the opera, "Hansel and Gretle" (Wicked Witch. Type casting) and one of her friends was a dancer that played my minion. Good memories. Well, except for the fact that the director was a freak that had me in a hoop skirt. veil, and purple glitter combat boots singing an aria while jumping on a trampoline, they were good...
The UTAH is a historic movie theater. It used to play dollar shows, but it shut down last year. :(
Luckily, the owner of the Utah Jazz rescued it, and now they plays old movies on the weekends. There are not many movie theaters like, The Utah, left. Beautiful detailed tile work, long auditorium, velvet curtains and even a genuine balcony.
The bathrooms are ancient, but I guess you can't have everything!
It is Alfred Hitchcock month and they opened with, "Rear Window".
Karen, Brian Joy, Michelle and her husband, John and MY Jon all went. We had a very good time. When do we not?
It is amazing to me the difference between watching old movies at home vs. in the theater. I loved it. I have seen this film quite a few times and the suspense ALWAYS gets me. When Raymond Burr looks directly into the lens and you KNOW he knows he is being watched! EEEEEK!!! I just love Raymond Burr in this role...very scary. He will always have my heart as, Perry Mason, though.
We went to and ate al fresco at a small restaurant on Main Street and laughed and mocked each other heavily. We talked and talked...everything from death, vomiting on Haight-Ashbury, and Michelle's "Nelson" poster in college to freaky clown sex (Long story).
Next week is "Vertigo". I think we should have a repeat performance!
This template thing is just SUCKING. It is just unstable and I can't figure out why.
So, while my destruction of a computer last evening was thereputic, I am still fairly cheesed at all things technical today.
I am also making the painful switch from Internet Explorer to Firefox.
I am unable to upload photos in Firefox. I only JUST got it to respond in IE. I have no idea why. Those who read me know that this is Serious. Excuse me? No PHOTOS???? Did they tell Michelangelo, "No brush???"
Ok, maybe it isn't that drastic, but close.
Someone tell me why Firefox is superior to IE, though? SO far it just doesn't seem that amazing...
Besides the fact that blogger recommends it and my husband tells me to stop using a wussy browser, I don't know why Firefox is so great...any imput?
Do you know how long it takes to transfer bookmarks? A freaking long time, that's what! I am only about a quarter of the way through. It is good to weed stuff out, though. I think I may also be slightly in love with RSS feeds. It saves a lot of time and the buttons line up so purdy...
I have been beating my brains about this template for about 3 days straight now.
Considering I didn't even know what the freak a Photoshop layer WAS when I started, I'm fairly pleased.
Thanks toCLAREfor helping me tons. I had no idea where to start and she got the wheels turning!.
Even though I like what I've done, it was hell. I did everything the HARDEST WAY POSSIBLE! (ME? Yes.)
After working on a self-coded header for 2 days, BRIDGYstepped in and said,
"Uh...I can make that into one continuous picture that you can, plug in n' stuff.
Should take about 5 minutes."
She was lovely enough to come out here and take a look at my ideas, what I had so
far and then work her magic to wrap it up in a nice little package.
She even stayed up late so I could literally put this project to bed.
She went to bed before IT, though!
I also called, KAREN, because nothing was transferring! I was doing it all wrong. (Again).
There are days I think I am too lame to live, I swear.
I wish I could say that I had an dilapidated inner-geek think going on, but I don't.
This is one of those times that screams for beating the crap out of my computer. I couldn't do THAT, but why have a geek-husband with an entire computer graveyard in your basement if not for this purpose?
My fists proved inadequate. It just made me feel unaccomplished and tired.
Jonathan found me something better.
I took a cool power hack saw-thingy (Or whatever) to it.
(I had pictures to show you,BUT ONCE AGAIN, Blogger SUCKASUCKASUCKS.)
At least I left my computer in pieces..."Try mocking me now, you piece of crap conglomeration of plastic and wire!"
P.S. Ya'll had better make yourself cozy. This was such a gross experience that I highly doubt I will ever redecorate again.
P.S.S. I will be faffing about, fixing, adding and tweaking things for a WHILE. This freaking this seems really unstable. Like owner, like template, I guess!
Thursday, June 01, 2006
I thought I would post some pics so you didn't think I died (Although I AM in HTML HELL...more about that later)
QUIDDELER (Word creation card game)AT THE JOYS.... (Some hands were better than others)
FUNNY PERVYI am not sure, but I think this may be Karen's way of hitting on me...